Front Mug          Letters from the Madman          Side Mug

Sightings:

Nasty Professor

EOAA Report

EOAA Report
Plus Comments

Letters from
the Madman:

Inbox
From:   Randy Lecher                                                                                                                                     Next   Previous
To:   Cassandra
Subject:    Fwd:  More stuff
Date:   28 Jan 2004 9:06 pm
  
This is the first letter, the one I sent her sort of starting things
off.  This is after our "date"  I'm sure you'll be mortified at the
content and tone.  You've seen it all before.
 
>  -----Original Message-----
> From:    Randy Lecher
> Sent:   Sunday, January 25, 2004 11:41 PM
> To:   Anabelle Cooper
> Subject:   More stuff
>
> Dear Ana,
>
>         Again, I had a great evening with you and, again, thanks.
>        
>         As I once told you, I do tend to wear my heart (and thoughts) on
> my sleeve, with people that I feel close to and trust, and perhaps I
> overanalyze, but for this and other reasons I do want to share with
> you some thoughts and feelings. 
>
>         I just spent a nice late afternoon and evening with Janet, and
> Polly was here and that was OK, too. I am still feeling very good,
> having met some kind of landmark of closure about mid day yesterday.
> When I woke up this morning the feeling was still there (not really a
> particular feeling, just no bad feelings at all).  Polly and I had a
> lot of things we had to do together today, things we had been putting
> off or just not getting to, it was easy, and she easily noticed that I
> was in a very different and better frame of mind, so it must be fairly
> visible.
>
>         It is true, like you said of yourself, that just knowing I was
> going out for an evening with you started me off on a positive trend.
> Also, about mid day yesterday, I simply crossed a line, or passed
> beyond a stage (pick your metaphor).  In some ways you happen to have
> been there, almost by coincidence, to witness me doing something I've
> been working very hard to achieve for months, and I'm obviously
> witnessing something like this in you.  I've opened up and climbed out
> of some kind of coffin I've been lying in.  OK, maybe that metaphor is
> a bit too strong . then again maybe not.
>
>         But none of this is what I wanted to tell you.  It is just
> important background. 
>
>         I have this thing I do sometimes with people I know, or am
> getting to know.  Usually people find it a bit odd at first, then
> either become terribly worried or very interested, but eventually (so
> far) understand what I am doing.  I think you will understand right
> away, if my reading of you is even close. 
>        
>         I'm doing it now. With you.
>
>         Here's the thing. A few times in my life, at very important
> points and with very important (to me, personally), people, I've seen
> long periods of time go by during the formation of a relationship
> (using that word in its most general sense) that involved somewhat to
> moderately painful or distracting anxiety, uncertainty,
> misunderstanding, and in some cases, just plain missed opportunities.
> Its funny, yesterday I was thinking and yammering on to you about the
> idea of starting off a relationship (used here in the narrow sense of
> the word) by analyzing it, and how that was a kind of new idea for me.
> But what I'm talking about here is exactly that, but more generally,
> with friendship.   What I want to do is to is to tell you how I feel.
> Simple, but I'm afraid not often really done.  And, not really that
> easy to do.  
>
>         Ana, you and I clearly made some very good connections last
> night.  I think we both had sensed for some time that there were
> potential connections. Last night was actually fairly amazing because
> it was almost like we had a list of things to do, and checked them all
> off one by one.  Habits and basic proclivities (smoking, drinking,
> eating); basic sociocultural believes (religion, politics); feelings
> about feelings, thoughts and brief histories regarding relationships
> (in narrow and wide sense); and so on.  A couple of these things were
> known to each other already, but discovering a wider range of
> attributes and qualities about each other, especially me about you
> because I know relatively less (at least you've heard me go on and on
> in class many times), almost seemed choreographed (but it did not feel
> choreographed . I just mean that we seemed so efficient!).  It was
> uncanny, and actually, a brilliant pleasure.  
>
>         Then we ended the evening with what I thought was a caring,
> tender, loving few moments.  To be honest with you, I was so very
> taken by you, the whole evening, and our gentle kiss that I failed at
> first to fully appreciate the enormous hilarity of the moment:  I have
> not been on a "date" in years (if ever), we stop by the road side in
> the car, are making out, and suddenly there is a knock on the window,
> a flashlight in our faces, and a cop (the one we had been avoiding all
> evening!!!) looking in.  My first thought at that moment was that I
> could not believe that cops really patrolled around looking for lovers
> pulled off the side of the road to shine lights on them . that is only
> in the movies.  but it was not really until today that I laughed out
> loud at the absurdity of that event.
>
>         Sorry, I'm digressing. yes, it was a tender and lovely kiss as a
> capstone for a date very well executed by both of us, if I may say so.
>
>
>         You and I have each experienced, and are still experiencing,
> hurt, and are in very similar stages of (or just about to be? I'm not
> sure of your exact state at the moment) "rebounding."  So we are both
> feeling cautious about "the next relationship" or about hurting or
> feeling hurt, even if that hurt comes from a connection other than a
> relationship (in the narrow sense of that word). .  So maybe last
> night while we were caring for, amusing, learning about, and loving
> each other, we were probably scaring each other (or ourselves) at the
> same time, at least a tiny bit.
>
>         That is mainly what I want to talk to you about.  I feel
> conflicted.  Ana, I want to say nice things to you, that express my
> joy in knowing you and my affection for you, but I also don't want to
> make you feel bad, pressed, scared, worried, or anything of the kind.
>
>         At this point I really want you to know and accept this:  My
> real and overarching goal is, if at all possible, to help you to feel
> good and get through your troubles.  I just want you to feel good.  I
> hope I helped and did not hurt last night (either could be true, both,
> neither, I suppose). I hope you feel free to call me or email me with
> any request, to talk or just be heard, to meet, I can come out there,
> meet you here, more or less whenever you want, if you need anything at
> all like a pep talk, a shoulder, whatever.  And this applies to
> whatever you decide to do, if you wish to mend your relationship
> rather than end it, it does not matter, just please completely trust
> that if there is anything I can do, I'm here and do not hesitate.  In
> other words, I'm declaring my friendship for you and asking you to
> please accept it. 
>
>         There is no conflict in my offer of friendship whatsoever.
>
>         The conflict is simply one that has to exist in you and I,
> either with each other, or with others we may know.  For example, how
> would I tell you that I love you in a way that you will understand
> exactly what I mean, and in a way that me saying that would have only
> positive effects?  It is funny that often, and I think especially
> right now, with you, those are actually dangerous words that should
> not be spoken. 
>
>         Maybe I could tell you something like that (notice I have not
> actually said anything along those lines . speaking hypothetically
> here) if I say it just right.  And maybe the way to say that is to
> start off by saying it just wrong.  Risky, but maybe worth a try.
>
>         OK, so here it is. Saying it the wrong way. When we speak,
> communicate, with language, we have an idea in our minds and the
> communication is intended to generate a similar idea in someone else's
> mind.  So this is the idea that I don't want to generate in your mind.
>
>
>         "I love you" means that I want to own part of your life, and
> part of your time. I want you to be committed to me in several ways
> that will affect your life and require your willpower, change your
> logistical requirements, etc.  You really should tell other people
> that are important to you, such as family, etc., and especially
> ex-boyfriends, about this love. Wear something to make it clear (like
> a necklace, or better yet, a ring).  Think about me a minimum required
> number of times a day. We should have sex.  Expect my call and if you
> don't get it, make sure you call me.  Etc.
>
>         But if I, right now, today, actually said to you that I love
> you, to you, Ana, it would mean something totally different.  I would
> be saying it because it is a strong and viable way of expressing my
> feelings and thoughts about you and about us, so the words work, they
> really do.  But the "idea" I would like you to have in your mind, or
> more accurately, the overall response I would like your mind to have,
> is very different from the above.  To be even clearer, the above is a
> bit of a parody, so what I want to say to you is different from what
> the above parodizes as well.
>
>         I would simply like everything in your life, your minds, and
> your heart, to be a little bit (at least) better, more peaceful, more
> satisfied or satisfying, happier, because there is a person that has
> this feeling for you.  Do you ever feel either the need to have
> someone else think unconditionally well of you?  There are probably
> many people who do already.  If I say I love you, that means that I am
> also one of those people. Have you ever been insecure about your frame
> of reference, your decisions, the actions you take and how they could
> affect or have affected others?  You can trust in yourself and you
> probably generally do, but it is nice for others to trust in you as
> well.  These words from me to you would mean that I have trust in you.
>
>        
>         From me to you, those words would also mean that I would gain
> satisfaction from, rather than be bothered in any way, by doing a
> favor or meeting some request for, well, pretty much anything at all.
>
>
>         And it does not matter where else our relationship goes. We
> could end up becoming mainly pen pals from now on.  We could end up
> being lovers.  Or, simply pen pals who occasionally get a drink
> together and spend time avoiding the cops.  Or anywhere along the
> multi-dimensional spectra of "relationship," in the broad or the
> narrow sense.  None of this matters to this friendship that I offer
> you.  How, why, why so quick?  Because you are brilliant, amazing, and
> although I am mystified by you, I also clearly see and feel certain
> qualities (many qualities, actually) that I can easily love in a
> person.       
>
>         So, Ana, you are my friend, if you accept my friendship. And I
> hope very much that you are the kind of friend that I could say "I
> love you" too, and would say "I love you" (or something similar,
> perhaps "I glove you") to me as well.  Whether we say those words or
> not remains to be seen. 
>
>         Please know that you are in my heart, and that I wish you to be
> relaxed and comfortable in that place,
>
> Yours,
>
>
> Randy
>